Our Crazy Valentine's Day Trip '04
by lethalSelphie
Summary: The St. Valentine is taking it's maiden voyage and it's taking several people from F-City, F-Province and few others...Things start to go awry when the weather turns for the worse and things on board are crazier then ever. What will happen to them?
1. What Are These For?

I do not own hardly any of these characters (only two, really) and I asked permission from most of the people that wanted to be in my fic, so they can't sue me. The only characters I haven't asked permission to use were the ones in Excel Saga, so, in other words, Koshi Rikudo, please don't sue me for I am broke. This is a Valentines Day fan fiction, so please enjoy…

Chapter 1: What Are These For?

It is a sunny day on February 13th in F-City, F-Province. It is a relatively small city in the country of Japan, near Osaka, on the edge of the water. It's a town with the economy crumbling, leaving the suits to clean up. The citizens are unaware of such changes from all the cover-ups. There are many skyscrapers, shops, and restaurants around, but this is just merely the tiny city you pass though to get to Osaka. There are mountains to the west and a bay to the east. A very simple, yet complex place F- City, F-Province is.

The daily paper boy is shoving mail under people's doors. Hyatt dozily gets up from her restful sleep to take her morning medication. She notices that the mail is not late today and she goes over to pick it up. "Junk mail, junk mail, where is the junk mail…" she warbles as she goes through it. In the middle of the pile she finds a home-made postcard with a badly drawn picture of a manga Illpalzzo on the front "Illpalzzo!" she exclaims.

Fortunately, Excel did not hear Hyatt mention Illpalazzo, for she is too busy knawing on the kitchen table to notice screaming "must…not…eat...MENCHI!" She then dives at Menchi, a small, white coated dog that looks more like a cat then anything else, who is huddled in the corner of the room, mainly trying to stay away from Excel.

Hyatt starts reading the postcard aloud "'Dear Excel and Hyatt, report to ACROSS HQ immiedently. I have a surprise for you. – Illpalazzo' Wow, I wonder what it could be…"

Excel looks up to Hyatt with Menchi in her mouth and shrieks, dropping Menchi as she rants "Oh Illpalazzo, my love, my joy! He must have remembered that tomorrow is Valentines Day! What is it, chocolates and flowers! I LOVE YOU ILLPALAZZO!" She picks up Menchi from the ground and she runs faster then the speed of light to ACROSS HQ.

Hyatt blinks "Senior Excel is very hyper today…" She gets dressed in her uniform and walks out of the apartment. She locks the door after herself and continues on her way. She passes the neighbors and walks down the flight of stairs to the street.

Speaking of Excel and Hyatt's neighbors, Watanabe wakes up and gets the mail. He then looks at Sumiyoshi and Iwata who are sprawled out on the floor, with sake bottles in there hands. "Those idiots drank themselves to sleep last night…" Watanabe sighs as he looks though his mail "Bill...bill…bill…Iwata's magazine…oh great, a letter from Kapapu" Watanabe rips open the letter "What the Hell does the bastard want now? …" He reads the letter to himself first, and then out loud to make sure he's not imagining things. "Dear Safety Assurance Squad, I believe that I have been treating you badly as of late. I may have found a way to repay you for all of your efforts. (No, your salary is getting cut, actually, but that is not the issue at hand.) Come to my office, Misaki and the Ropponmatsu's are coming as well. Your favorite boss, Doctor Kapapu."

Watanabe is then tackled by Iwata "Where is Misaki!" Iwata holds Watanabe by the throat and yells in his face "TELL ME!"

Watanabe pushes Iwata off of him and tells him "She's at Kapapu's office, you drunk! …something about repaying us, one way or another

…sounds like BS to me…"

Iwata is already dressed and out the door by the time Watanabe is finished talking. Sumiyoshi wakes up._ "Whas der racket aboot?" _

Watanabe tell him about the letter and to hurry up and get dressed. As soon as Sumiyoshi is dressed, they run out the door and down the stairs into the street. They pass a fair skinned young lady with long, light brown pigtails, bright blue eyes, wearing a Love Ya! T-Shirt, blue jeans and black clogs walking in the same direction with a boy, slightly taller then herself.

The boy has blue, spiked hair, wearing a finger-covering black sleeved jacket with blue jeans. He is also carrying a sword over his right shoulder.

"Why are we doing this again?" inquires the boy.

"Because Mar…I mean Rinoa promised us something…and it could be something good…" responds the girl. "And if you loooooooove me, you'll do this for me." she adds.

The boy stops and glares at the girl with his ash-colored left eye, for his right crimson one is covered by some spikes going over it. He turns back to look where he's going, staying silent. The two seem that they are walking forever until they finally reach their destination.

The girl waves at a group of girls standing outside a small townhouse that shouldn't be near the heart of the city, but is anyway. "Hiya Fox, Med, Spark!"

Fox, who is leaning on the door to the house the unnamed girl and the unnamed boy want to get to, has on a plaid red and black mini skirt, fish net stockings, black calf boots, a long ebony sleeved top with large bell sleeves with a deep V-cut neck and her waist-length dark hair is in a fan today. She waves but doesn't talk. Instead, looks around suspiciously with her black eyes, as if something is amiss…

Med is dressed in a light green, capped sleeved T-Shirt, black jeans and white sandals. Her short chestnut-colored hair is spiked on the ends. She is too busy poking a dead squirrel in the pile of snow near a bush to notice the girl.

Spark has on a very floral T-shirt with a maroon backround. Her blue jeans are torn on the sides, up to her calfs. Her tennis shoes are swirled with indigo and plum-like colors. Her long, golden hair blows out of her face as she jumps from the evergreen tree she was in to greet the girl "Hey rea-rea!"

"Rea-rea? REA-REA!" Med screams and she runs over to rea-rea and tackle/hugs her. "How are ya?" Med asks.

Fox finally greets rea-rea with a "hey." and continues looking around.

Rea-rea falls to the cement "I'm good Med, I'm good…"

The unnamed sweatdrops "Need some help?"

Rea-rea pushes Med off "I'm good."

Spark runs over to rea-rea "Did Rinoa call you too?"

"Yup, and I brought Zero with me too!" rea-rea responds quickly. She hugs Zero "Isn't that right?"

Zero hugs back and smirks "Right."  
Fox takes a few steps forward and says "Where IS Rinoa is the question…she isn't answering the door."

Med is running around rea-rea shouting "REA-REA! REA-REA!" as Zero swings his blade down, causing energy to come from it, shooting straight at Fox. She leaps high in the air and lands on the roof. She watches on as the door explodes into bits of wood.

"If she's inside, I'll find her" Zero promises.

Fox morphs into a crow and flies in through the open doorway, everyone following her lead, tearing the rented house apart.

While everybody at Rinoa's house is looking for her inside, she is two miles away from them, sitting in Kapapu's waiting room next to her boyfriend, Sylfaenas Angelforce, called Force for short.

Rinoa is wearing a azure tank top with no fancy design and black jeans. Her soft, black hair seems very straight today and she clicks her black ankle boots together while waiting. Around her neck is her blue crystal and her ruby and diamond bracelet around her right wrist.

Force isn't wearing his normal heavy armor. Instead of a Elf warrior, he looks like a normal 18 year old. He has spiked, navy blue hair, a steel blue T-shirt and some long, blue jeans. He is wearing black tennis shoes. Since he is standing up, it makes him looks taller then he already is to Rinoa.

Rinoa sighs, looking to the grey mat carpeting. "We have been waiting for an hour, what is taking him so long?"

Force looks down on Rinoa "You know you still haven't told me why we are here…"

Rinoa stares at the ground, and yawns "I have to get 'something' from a friend...nothing special…"

Force shifts his weight "You know, you could tell what this 'something' is…"

Rinoa looks up to Force and smiles "Then it wouldn't be a surprise."

Iwata comes rushing though the waiting room, past Momoji's desk, and crashes through the double oak doors to Kapapu's office. "WHERE'S MISAKI!"

Misaki is sitting in the corner of the room, staying calm with her eyes closed "I'm here, where are Watanabe-kun and Sumiyoshi-kun?"

Iwata says "…Somewhere…" when they come running into the open doors and Watanabe stops just in time, for he nearly toppled over his bosses desk.

"Sorry we're late Mr. Kapapu." Watanabe apologizes.

Kapapu's chair turns around and he takes a puff of his cigar and starts speaking "No need for apologizes boys. I have here your payment for you reward of saving this city from EVIL…"He spreads 6 slips of paper on the desk. "There is one ticket for each of you" As he talks, he shoves paper slips into an envelope and gets up, hiding the envelope from everyone's view.

"Doctor, what are these tickets for? Dairy Queen "One free small ice cream cone" coupons?" asks Misaki, annoyed for being up so early on the weekend. She blows her red hair out of her face and glares at Kapapu, her eyes glowing red"

"They are for a cruise…it's a three-day thing, so enjoy yourselves. I have other business to take care of now…I'll be on my way…" As he gets up and walks over to the door, he drops some of his cigar ashes in Watanabe's head. Watanabe yells in pain. "Oh, sorry, thought you were an ashtray until you yelled." Kapapu steps out of his office and one of the oak doors falls off its hinges. He walks over to Rinoa and looms over her "Now, what was this proposition young lady?"

Rinoa picks up a silver-coated suitcase and stands up "I have what you want…now where's your goods?"

Angelforce raises his eyebrow, looking on while thinking (When did the Yakuza become part of Excel Saga?)

Kapapu holds up the envelope "There is at least a hundred in here…take it or leave it?"

"Deal" Rinoa trades off the suitcase for the envelope.

Force looks on, confused more then he was ten minutes ago "Rinoa, aren't you having company over today?"

Rinoa looks at the envelope and thinks "...Oh, that's right…better hurry before they start worrying…"

She runs over to a larger part of the room and pulls out AngelWings. She spins the katana around and creates a large area of distorted space. "Hurry!"

Force runs into the portal after Rinoa as Momoji is waving. "Have a nice day!" she exclaims before getting up and asking Kapapu for her paycheck.

"HAILLLLLLLLLLLLLLL ILLPALAZZO!" Excel screams at her leader, Lord Ill Palazzo, along with Hyatt, who barely made out the "-zzo" part before coughing up enough blood to fill up a bucket and falling to the floor.

"Hello Excel, Hyatt. I have a surprise for you…" Ill Palazzo starts as Excel interrupts as usual.

"IS IT A PRESENT?" she shouts anxiously. A mere two seconds later she is free falling down a hole. "OH GOD, NOT THE RAINBOW COVERED, GAY MIDGETS! ANYTHING BUT THAT!" Excel yells. "THEY ARE GOING TO KILL ME!"

Hyatt, frail as ever, picks herself up from the floor as Key comes barging in through the back entrance, smirking. "Oh, the muses are working harder then ever today, Ill Palazzo! I feel so enlightened!"

Ill Palazzo glares at Key, his eyes turning into flaming ball of fire "You're late…you owe me an apology…"

Key blows him off and starts playing his electric guitar "Yeah, yeah…sorry and all that other crap…"

Excel climbs out of the hole, with bite marks all over her. "Damn midgets…THEY BIT ME!"

Ill Palazzo smiles "I forgot to tell you….they were zombie, rainbow-covered, gay midgets…that explains why they tore off some of your flesh…"

Excel hits forehead with her palm "That makes sense! You are so smart, Lord Ill Palazzo!" She then falls to the floor, dead.

Excel floats in the depth of space, lying as she was in HQ.

"…Excel…..Excel…." a voice calls from the distance.

Excel slowly opens her eyes and responds with a "huh?" and a very puzzled look.

"Excel…you can't die yet…it's the beginning of the fic…what will the readers think if they saw you dead this early?" The Great Will of the Microcosm scolds.

Excel thinks, if that's even possible, and responds "Um…that I'm a weak, cosplaying weirdo?"

The Great Will restarts the scene to right before Excel interrupted. "Don't screw up this time!"

Ill Palazzo clears his throat and finishes explaining what his surprise is. "…It is a plan to infiltrate a highly populated Love Cruise and observe how the masses respond to their emotions, in this case, love. Love is a easy way to control the masses and if we can understand that, we can use it for our advantage! For we, ACROSS, will dominate the world and make it the way we see fit! Any questions?"

Hyatt rises her arm "Ill Palazzo, didn't we do something close to this last month?"

Ill Palazzo sighs "Yes, but a friend gave me the tickets and I can't sell them. It would be a waste of money to throw them out too. That's why we're going…We are going to have to pair up, we don't want to look like a bunch of single losers…Excel, you're with Key and I'm with Hyatt."

"WE'LL ALL LOOK LIKE SINGLE LOSERS!" Spark, Med and Fox shout at Rinoa in unison.

"Well…um…you might find somebody there…and…um…" Rinoa says as she trys to think of a good reason for them all to come. "…Think of it as a vacation; just relax the whole time…"

Rea-rea looks at Zero "You want to come? It might get really boring without you…"

Zero hugs rea-rea "I'm going if you are"

Force asks "Is this your Valentines present Rinoa?"

Rinoa smiles and sticks her tongue out "Only a part of it…"

"What about the weather?" Fox asks, tapping her foot to her heartbeat "Everyone will go if it's good weather…"

Rinoa turns on 'Weather Break' and reads the weather report for F-City, F-Province. "Sunny weather will stay for the next week….see, everything is fine. Now, who's going?"

Misaki hands out the tickets, and then asks impatiently, "Iwata, your going, right?"

Iwata drools, ogling Misaki's goods, "If you and the first are going I am..."

Ropponmatsu the 2nd clings to Iwata's leg "Iwa-chi!"

Iwata trys to shake her off as he screams "Get off me! You're not cute!"

Ropponmatsu puts in her poutty eyes and starts fake crying "You're so mean…"

Misaki kicks Iwata in the head "Look, you made Ropponmatsu cry…apologize you ass!"

Iwata falls to the ground, muttering under Misaki's shoe "I'm sorry…"

"Why should I go…I don't have a reason to…" Watanabe sighs.

Sumiyoshi puts his hand on Watanabe's shoulder "_Yur gurlfriend mit be thur_…"

Watanabe thinks about Hyatt. "Ayasugi will be there? I must go then!" he declares.

Ropponmatsu flicks her robo ears up and down. "Sumi-chan, you going too?", she asks sweetly.

Sumiyoshi sighs, rubbing his grumbling stomach gingerly, "_I's goin' fer the ull ya kna eat buffet..._"

Ropponmatsu the 1st writes down a clipboard that everyone is going. "Alright, time of departure is noon. Are we ready?"

Misaki lets up on Iwata and he gets up, saying "We've got to go pack..."

"Alright, be ready by twenty to. Be at the ship by ten to so we have extra time to board." The first informs the group while writing.

"Right!" the group exclaims before walking to their apartments. Watanabe walks out the door, followed by a very hyper Iwata, running from the 2nd. Sumiyoshi comes out of the office next with the 2nd and Misaki and the 1st bring up the rear.

Misaki looks up to the light colored sky. "What a beautiful day for a cruise..." she exclaims cheerfully, watching a robin soar past her crimson eyes…


	2. Cruising Through the Ocean

I don't own any character that I'm parodying. Please don't send Hate Mail if you don't like something, comment about it instead. A bunch of characters are introduced in this chapter and the next. In other words, there will be characters coming out the wazoo. The Mains were taken care of in the first chapter. Oh and I STILL don't own Excel Saga (darn). Now enough of my rambling, on with the fic!

Chapter 2: Cruising Through the Ocean

"Great day for a cruise, don't you think dad?" Edward asks Sasuke while walking to the ship.

Sasuke says "Sure is…" as he ruffles his daughter's hair.  
Ed screams "DAD, YOU PIMP!" and runs up to the ticket taker. Malitia is already there. "Hiya Malitia!" She says when she gets close enough to her.

Malitia kicks Ed in the shin. "Hi shrimp" she replies.

"OWWWWIIEEEEEEE! THAT HURT!" Edward shouts.

In another area, Rinoa is also screaming but for other reasons. "Owwww! Traveling via distorted space hurts!"

Spark isn't bleeding like Rinoa is, so she gets off of her and uses a healing spell on her. "Better?" She asks caringly.

Rinoa gets up, sighing "For now…today's the thirteenth, anything can happen…"

"Don't talk like that," Fox warns Rinoa, staring at her "You could have just given the ship some of your bad luck…"

"WHO SAYS I HAVE BAD LUCK?" she screams at Fox when Force comes out of the warp hole, knocking Rinoa down to the cement again "Owwww… maybe your right…"

Force sets Med down and helps Rinoa up "Sorry about that…"

"It's not your fault, don't be sorry"

"Bad luck again?"

"…You could say that…"

Rea-rea looks at the St. Valentines paint job "Wow…all red…."

Med jumps over to the bow, where about 50 giant sanguine colored roses against a roseate backround "Looky! Roses! They're so pretty!"

Zero looks at the roses too. "Wow…that took a while to do…" he comments.

Med starts running in circles around the group. "Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty ROSES!" she shrieks.

Zero smirks and grabs rea-rea. "Better start boarding" he tells her as he jumps onto the main deck, shows the ticket guy their tickets and jumps back down for rea-rea and his luggage. "Beat that Force!", he taunts before he does a backflip onto the ship.

Rinoa sighs, "Does he EVER stop doing that?"

Force shakes his head, "He probably won't stop showing off even when he's dead…"

As the rest of the group boards the ship, Excel and company are running to get on the boat.

"WAIT FOR US!" Excel screams though a megaphone as she pulls Key behind her.

Illpalazzo rushes after Excel, holding Hyatt in his arms. He flashes the ticket by the crewman and he runs aboard. He runs to their room and sets her down on the bed. Of course, she not dead…she's sleeping. Yeah, we'll work with that.

Back to Excel, she found Rikku and Ropponmatsu the 2nd on board. God knows what they are planning on doing…Key wandered off somewhere and has a bunch of groupies hanging around him.

"Oh, my angels…you are all so stunning, There is enough of me and my music to go around!" he laughs as he walks past Iwata, Misaki, Watanabe and Ropponmatsu the First.

Watanabe sweatdrops "Where could Ayasugi be…" he thinks out loud and Ropponmatsu hears him.

"She just past us five minutes ago, being carried by a man several years older then her. They went down approximately 3 floors into an unoccupied second class bedroom. She is now lying on a bed" She reports to Watanabe, who then freaks out.

Watanabe runs to the elevator closest to him and presses the down button. As soon as he presses the button, he gets trampled by Void, followed by Kitty with a Machete. "Come back here Void, I wanna TALK to you!" Kitty lies as she runs after Void.

Iwata walks up to Watanabe, looks down and laughs "And you call me stupid…"

Misaki punches Iwata into a pole "I just felt like doing that" she smirks as a horn sounds.

The PA starts talking in the captain's voice. "Hello, hello! My name is Cid and I'm your captain of this cruise. It's the St. Valentines maiden voyage today and all you lucky people are here to witness it! I hope you all enjoy yourselves on this trip!" The PA then shuts off as the champagne bottle is broken on the bow of the ship.

A few people start cheering and clapping but then stop because they realize they look stupid.

Inuyasha and Yuna kiss to start off the cruise, along with several other couples who are either hugging or kissing each other.

Sumiyoshi is such a pig. He took almost all of the buffet's food and jammed the food on all the plates available. He took up 6 full size tables just for his food. He already ate a whole tables worth of food and he moves over to the next one. Well, he could have taken ALL the food, right? So he's not a total glutton after all...yeah, right.

Key and his groupies founded a band called the "White Roses". What a bad pun. Well, they made up a couple songs and with Key singing the vocals, they are better then OK. They're the only band playing in the nightclub right now.

Ropponmatsu the 2nd, Excel, Edward and Rikku are all break dancing. Malitia seems to always mess up Ed's Windmills by throwing a rock at her head. Ropponmatsu does a combo of a flare to a windmill to a backspin. Everybody claps and they all yell in unison "Nice combo!"

Ropponmatsu bows and flicks her ears. "That was a easy one…"

Excel trys to do a skyscraper but falls on to the hardwood floor "Ouch…"

Rikku does a combo too. She starts out with a six step to a coffee grinder to an airbaby, finishing off with a triple headspin. "Way too easy..."

Everybody claps once more.

Edward rubs her head. "This is getting boring now…" she smiles "Lets go annoy people!"

The rest of the group grabs a bunch of midgets, ferrets, cats and anything else they can get their hand on. Edward grabs her "Plunger of DOOM" (tm) and they all run up to the deck.

Going next door to the library, you'll find Spark lounging on a couch in the far corner, reading War and Peace. No matter what you do to get the book away, she'll STILL be reading it. Ropponmatsu the 1st is also reading in the library. She is re-re-re-re-reading her instruction manual. Surprisingly, she seems very into the manual. All this reading ON A CRUISE is boring this narrator, so we will now move to the pool.

Watanabe found Hyatt when Illpalazzo stepped out of the room to get some soda. He and 'Ayasugi' are sitting at a poolside table, talking about their jobs.

"So, Watanabe, how goes you job for the city?" Hyatt asks in her gentle tone of voice.

"Um…it's going…well…" He responds, sweatdropping. He thinks back to his job of his sitting in the same seat, day after day, doing paperwork "What a great job…" he mutters. He looks back to her pale face "So, what about your job?"

Hyatt smiles "My job is going great with my senior there…and the boss can be so understanding…" she starts as she sips her tomato juice. "…You could say that the best job is being able to live with having your boss as a boss and your co-workers as your co-workers, so I've found mine…"

The whole table is then splashed with pool water and Watanabe freaks out. He goes to find the culprit who he thinks is Iwata but is really Fox. "IWATA YOU FREAK!" he shouts in the direction of the wave to be responded with a girls voice.

"Excuse me," Fox says as she glares at Watanabe "I'm not this Iwata person…so much for a simple sorry…"

Watanabe falls over, muttering "Now more people are out to run my relationship with Ayasugi? When will it end...?"

Fox splashes more water on him. "Look, I'm sorry, OK? Get over it…" she insinuates before starting a lap of breaststrokes.

On the other side of the pool, the chase continues. Kitty is running after Void, without a weapon this time, yelling "COME BACK, WE NEED TO TALK!"

Void murmurs while running "Yeah, by talk you mean murder me…"

Kitty tackles Void down to the tiled floor and he pushes her off him. She falls into the water but not without taking Void with her. The lifeguard sent for some crewmen to stop the fight and stop Kitty from drowning Void.

Excel and company is causing chaos on the other side of the ship by hitting people with midgets and eating glass dishes. Ropponmatsu decided that breaking things would be fun, so went to the gym and is bending equipment into itty bitty balls of steel. Edward is having fun plunging Malitia's face and Rikku went downstairs to pilfer some Gil from some stupid passengers.

"If Menchi was here, I wouldn't have to resort to this!" Excel says while swallowing some of the glass.

Speaking of Menchi, she is in Misaki's room, laying on Misaki's bed, on Misaki's cell phone. She called up her boyfriend Wolf and talked to him for a couple hours…then the battery wore out. Menchi puts the phone back on the dresser where she found in and leaves the open room. A mere two seconds she is out the door, she is nearly squeezed to death by rea-rea.

You see, rea-rea drank about two or three liters of 'Alcoholic, Non-Alcoholic Beverages'(see bottom of fic for definition) and her blood stream is nearly all full of caffeine. This makes her more hyper then usual and made her think that she has to hug everything that she sees until the drug-like hyperness wears off.

Rea-rea lets Menchi go and speeds down the corridor of to find her next victims. Her next victims happen to be Rinoa and Force who are coming back from archery practice. Rinoa trys to push rea-rea off her. "Come on rea-rea! Get off!" she yells, succeeding.

Rea-rea pulls Force into a tight hug next. Force just sighs and hugs rea-rea back. Rea-rea then starts running up the stairs to the next floor. Force looks at Rinoa. "What was that about?" he asks.

Rinoa shakes her head "You really don't want to know…trust me"

After walking what seems to be a mile to the shooting range listed on the brochure, Force and Rinoa finally sit down against the door to the hockey / ice skating rink. "How big is this ship anyway?" Force inquires.

"It's says its 5 times bigger then the Queen Mary 2 and has over 8,000 different areas to go to for enjoyment…" she reads off the pamphlet and flips it over to the map. "And, if I'm reading this map correctly, then we are right across from the shooting range…"

Force trys to concentrate but can't hear any rounds being shot or anything other then hockey sticks scraping on the ice. "Doesn't seem like it…"

Rinoa gets up and walks to a door and opens it "Maybe here…"

The next sound they both hear are loud bangs and empty rounds dropping. Rinoa gives Force a pair of ear plugs and she puts a set in her own ears. "Guess I was right!" she shouts she he can hear her.

"Just to let you know," Force yells while entering the room "I'm not that great with guns!"

Rinoa takes out a Magnum and hands it to Force. "You can handle this, right? You're a great archer, you should be able to shoot a gun just as easy" she tells him as she takes out her own custom 8mm pistols.

Force trys shooting down a stoic target about 100 feet away and he hits it close to the center. "This will be fine" he decides.

Rinoa hits a moving target 200 feet away dead center with both of her shots

"You see, I told you!"

"You're a much better shot Rinoa" Force says as he shoots at a couple of targets.

"I'll take that as a compliment" she replies as she shoots another moving target 250 feet away until she's out of ammo.

Up two floors, the two Rikku's are making a stealing scheme. What happens is AlBhed Rikku is going to go up to the prey and lure them into talking to her. Then, RikkutheThief is going to tie up the poor sucker with Silver Nightmare and together the two Rikku's will steal all of the person's valuables.

AlBhed Rikku sees Zero walking down the hallway, looking for rea-rea and figures him to be a good target. She walks out of her quarters and walks up to him "Hi Zero, what are ya doing?"

"Looking for rea-rea…you?"

"Just walking around, seeing what this ship has to offer…" Rikku makes a signal with her hand behind her back to let Rikku know that it's time for the second phase of the plan.

Rikku takes out a yards worth of silver string and concentrates. She makes it float before her and aims it at Zero's hands and feet. It wraps around him and when he finally notices what's going on, it's too late. He's on the floor, hogtied and both Rikku's are staring down at him, smiling and giggling.

"Gotcha!" AlBhed Rikku laughs with Thief as they steal his Gil.

"H- Hey! You can't do that!" Zero shouts at them, trying to get himself free.

"Yes we can" Thief grins as she runs down the hall with the gil and AlBhed takes the opposite path.

"Cya Zero!" she waves as she turns the corner with a huge bag full of gil in the opposite hand.

Rea-rea runs up to Zero and hugs him "How are ya?"

Zero sighs, making a bad pun "Tied up"

It takes rea-rea a few moments to comprehend this but when she does, unties Zero. "Better?"

"Yeah…" he says when he hears a bell sound…

Alcoholic, Non-Alcoholic beverages are a type of drink rea-rea, Fox and I all made up this one time. Don't worry; there is no alcohol in it. rea-rea made the name up. It's all different flavors of Mountain Dew mixed up. It tastes good….really, it does! --


	3. Dinnertime!

Disclaimer: No, I don't own anybody in this fic, except for my own character. I have almost everybody who is in this fic's permission to have them in it and, um, Viz and Rikudo Koshi, please don't sue me.

Chapter 3: Dinnertime!

Excel is in the steering room, ringing a bell and shouting in a megaphone, which goes through the PA system "Hey, it's almost dinnertime! Plus, the sun is setting! Eat, you anorexic freaks!"

Hyatt and Watanabe walk over to the Delphina Restaurant and sits down at a table. Hyatt decided to put on a short plum evening dress for dinner and Watanabe is wearing the black and white tuxedo look.

Watanabe looks at the menu "Um…what should we order…."

Hyatt smiles slightly. "Let's get a bottle of red wine and some angel hair with the sauce…" she says as she reads it off her menu.

Watanabe starts to sweat, trying to hide his nervousness but failing to do so "S-sounds…g-great…"

As they wait for their dinner, the rest of the Excel cast starts flowing into the restaurant. Excel, Illpalazzo, Key and Menchi sit with Edward, Med, Ropponmatsu the Second, Malitia and Sasuke, who already have there food. Malitia is shoving Edward in her food and Edward keeps kicking Malitia in the shin. This goes on for a little while until Sasuke gets bored. He gets up and pimp walks to Malitia and injects a sedative into her arm and pimp walks back over to his food where he pimp sits in his chair and starts eating like a pimp. Edward wipes off her face in the table cloth and eats Malitia's food instead. She thanks her dad and digs into the roasted peacock. Med keeps poking her hamburger, consently saying "Is it dead yet?" Ropponmatsu starts chugging some oil as Excel contemplates what to eat.

"Um….Great Lord Illpala, I'm really hungry, can I eat something filling for a change? Like, maybe a possum or a gay rat?" Excel asks while pouring some Naked™.

Illpalazzo sighs "As long as it's free…then yes…"

Excel eyes light up and flicker like a broken spotlight "THANK YOU LORD ILLPALAZZO!" she praises as she flips through the menu. "LET'S GET EVERYTHING, RIGHT DOWN TO THE LAST YELLOW SPOTTED LIZARD!"

Menchi eyes light up as well but for different reasons.all right… she thinks I won't be eaten today…

Key puts his hand on Excel's shoulder "Anything for you my sweet, sweet angel"

Excel's heart starts pounding really fast and her eyes turn into, what seems to be, candy hearts as she goes on her rant which goes something like this… "GAH, I LOVE MY GREAT LORD ILLPALAZZO AND KEY did I just say that out loud NO MATTER, I LOVE THEM BOTH SOOOOOOOO MUCH! I'D DIE FOR THEM IF I COULD, BUT THAT YAOI DREAM WAS WAY TOO MUCH FOR ME TO HANDLE, GAH!"

Illpalazzo eats one of the candy heart eyes and Excel screams "THAT WAS MY RETINA!"

Rinoa runs out onto the deck, with Force, rea-rea and Zero not far behind. She runs over to the railing and almost falls over, trying to look at the sunset.

Rea walks next to Rinoa and looks at the sunset too "Pretty…"

"I know, let me take a picture of this, to remember the trip with a souvenir!" Rinoa thinks aloud and smiles.

Force, Zero and Rea are then pushed over to the rail by Rinoa and are put in nice arrangement with the light and backround used to it fullest. Zero and Force are in the back and Rinoa has Zero put his hand on Rea's shoulder and has Rea lean her head on Zero's upper arm. Rinoa sets up a timer on the camera for twenty seconds and then hurries over to her place infront of Force, picking up his arms and draping them over her shoulders.

A big red five shows up on the camera's countdown "Everybody smile!" Rinoa says cheerfully.

The picture is taken with ALMOST everybody smiling. Before it took, Rea put some bunny ears on the back of Zero's head and she stuck her tongue out in triumph. She ended up giggling after the picture was taken.

Zero looks at Rea, asking her what was so funny and she said  
"Nothing…nothing at all..." and then she bursts out laughing again, right after she suppressed it.

Force and Rinoa look to her in surprise, wondering what was so funny too. Rea walks over to Rinoa and whispers in her ear "I want copies, lots of 'em"

"Done and done" Rinoa replies as she walks over to grab the camera, even though she has no idea what Rea wants them for, she just goes with it.

Force looks at a pamphlet "So, where are we eating?"

Rea starts jumping up and down "Let's go to Lover's Lane!"

"How about this Rea, we go to Rendezvous Lounge tonight and go to Lover's Lane in the morning. Okay with you?" Rinoa suggests.

Rea smiles and grabs Zero's hand "I'll live with that but you owe me"

The group walks into the Grand Hall, which is drowned in mixes of reds and takes a transparent glass elevator up to the 12th deck, where the lounge is. As they step off the elevator, they are greeted by a large group of people that, even in one million years, look like that is not related when, in fact, they are. This certain group of people just happens to be part of Rinoa's and Zero's fairly messed up family.

Where to start…hm...Well, you met Void and Kitty earlier. They used to be married but that didn't work out quite well…They are on opposite sides of the group but when they see Zero and Rinoa, they run over to hug them. Void gets there first and hugs them then he backs off, letting Kitty hug them.

Rinoa tells Void he should have let Kitty go first because she is a lady. He tells her that she's right, ladies should go first but then again, Kitty isn't a lady. This really pisses Kitty off and she pulls out a butcher knife, saying "Come here Void…" in a fairly creepy tone. Void starts circling the group, trying to lose Kitty.

Xenobia, otherwise known as Xen, is Zero's mother and Rinoa's aunt. Her step father is Sasuke (you know, the guy who had the word pimp in one of his sentences). She places a bet of 85 dollars on Kitty, yelling "Get'em!" Xenobia is one of the fighting spirits in the family and can be totally unpredictable.

Flame, Cassie (often called Cass by many members of the family) and Kikyo, three of their many sisters, all have different characteristics. Flame tends to keep to herself and happens to be smoking at the moment. Cass likes to purposely kill herself because she thinks everyone hates her, and is rooting for Void to win because she is fighting with Kitty over something stupid once again. Kikyo, as all gothic vampire/priestess/undead/soul-sucking/first-class modding/fire controlling demons do, likes to drink blood (lots of it) and throwing herself of high places like cliffs and mountains. (Her current favorite is Mt. Everest.) She is ignoring the mini-battle and instead hugs Rinoa and Zero.

Aoshi Shinomori, one of their many brothers, takes out his katana and holds it in its sheath between Kitty and Void, saving them from much bloodshed. He upholds justice, like another certain person Rinoa knows…but anyway, he hates it when the family fights and trys to stop it.

Inu Kagome, sister of Zero and Rinoa, is called Inu by most of the family who isn't too formal, takes out a whip and whips her bish Aoshi with it "I was enjoying the fight…You had to go and ruin it…"

Dante, who can get angered easily and lives to fight people, reason or not, is another of the billion brothers this family holds, gets poked in the back by AlBhed Rikku, his cousin "Huh?"

"Don't tell anybody this but I stole all of Zero's gil with the other Rikku."

Dante falls to the floor, laughing "He's such a sucker!" he barely get out, laughing.

Zero speeds over to Dante. "WHO is a sucker, dear brother?" he asks in a fairly pissed tone.

Rikku smiles "You are!" she exclaims while pointing her finger at him before collapsing on the floor, giggling.

Pyro, a great Majin who, along with many people in this massive family, upholds justice, sees this fight brewing and he stops the spark before it causes a fire. He's another brother of Zero's and Rinoa's. He often gets possessed by various spirits, demons and anything else that has evil backrounds, which really prevents him from doing his job. He holds his sheathed sword in between Zero and Dante "No fighting during a vacation, can you both handle that?"

Dante gets up, muttering "Barely…"

kuramas lil fox, called Fox by just about everybody, family or not, jumps on her husband Pyro's head. Pyro looks up and smiles as Fox looks down and smiles. Fox is Zero's and Rinoa's aunt/sister. She is a very cheery person and is proud to be.

Someguy, Zero and Rinoa's uncle of Kitty's side, hugs his niece's and nephews. He also hugs his sister Cass. He likes to be called uncle JohnJohn, so that's what Rinoa calls him.

Rea looks over and sees Shuyin kissing his love of his life Lenne, who he just married five minutes ago in the chapel on the 6th deck. Somebody tried to assassinate them but failed. Shuyin is yet another one of Zero and Rinoa's brothers and that makes Lenne their sister-in-law. Shuyin is also Cass's nephew. Are you confused yet?

There are some more family member's like Excel and Yuna that are on the ship along with another group six times bigger then this one which is about everybody in the family, if you combine the two.

As planned, they all dine at the Rendezvous Lounge. Many fight and quarrels break out but we're only going to look at one particular one…

Rikku is counting her gil out that she stole from Zero, right in front of him. That pisses him off so much; Rea has to restrain him with a spell to stop him from killing Rikku. Zero demands Force to pass him the salt and pepper for his steak. Force is too busy trying to stay out of the conflict and ignores him.

"Damnit Keebler elf, pass the salt and pepper!" Zero rages as he slams him fist on the table, almost knocking over the glasses on the table.

"…" Force decides to take it and eat his rice balls.

"HE'S NOT A KEEBLER ELF!HE'S CAN BARELY COOK LET ALONE MAKE CRACKERS! HE DOESN'T LIVE IN A TREE, PLUS FORCE IS TALLER THEN YOU ZERO!" Rinoa stands up shouting at Zero, getting red in the face.

"Zero, calm down…" Rea trys to help keep Zero calmed down but he can't hear her over his raging.

Zero looks to his sister "THEN YOU PASS THEM, MRS.ANGELFORCE!"

Rinoa gets redder. "WE'RE NOT MARRIED!" She screams for the whole room to hear her as she throws the salt and pepper shakers, along with her wine glass at Zero before she sits back down to eat her curry.

Kitty shakes her head "And I thought I was bad…"

Force whispers to Rinoa "Nice way of handling the situation…"

Rinoa sighs "This is why family can be stupid…"

Zero ducks the glass and hears it smash right above him, glares at Rinoa menacingly and puts the salt and pepper on his steak.

Rea sighs and pokes at her stir-fry with her spork.

Kikyo comes running over, with what seems to be a bloody marshmallow in her mouth that she swallows whole before she whispers to Rinoa "Lethal, what happened?"

Rinoa sweatdrops for she can hear the rest of the family whispering around her about the incident "Um…small battle, nothing big…"

As these disputes are finally settled, more things are just waiting to happen later in the night…


	4. The Unexpected Happens

Ok, I fixed the review part about not excepting anonymous ones, so I expect more reviews. As I can tell by the comments so far, everybody is enjoying this and laughing quite a bit. That's good, I'm glad I could make some people laugh for a change. And there would be no Excel or Menchi-potpie or a crazy fic like this without Rikudo Koshi making Excel Saga.note, I'm using movie titles and movie moments in here so people from there, DUN SUE ME EITHER!

Chapter 4: The Unexpected Happens…

Misaki punches Iwata into a nightclub table, breaking it in half. "Don't you DARE touch me again you perverted bastard" Misaki threatens "You're paying for that table too" she say, pointing at the table he's standing up from before turning around. She sits down on a bar stool and orders two bottles of sake.

…No matter what the time, we'll always be together…

Yuna is sitting near the front of the club with Inuyasha, not really paying attention to the music. She leans over to kiss him but someone…or something, lands on her head.

"Yohohoho! Marco!" Ninja shouts while landing on Yuna's head.

Ferret and Excel are hiding underneath a table about 20 feet from Ninja's current location. "Polo!" they both shout back in unison.

Ropponmatsu the 2nd lands on Inu's head and starts rubbing his doggie ears "Marco!"

"POLO!"

Ninja takes out a pair of binoculars and searches the area. He finally spots them. "Gotcha!"

Ropponmatsu the 2nd stops rubbing Inu's ear and she turns her knee into a rocket launcher "Target sighted!"

Ninja aims Ropponmatsu at Excel and Ferret. "Target locked?" he asks.

Ropponmatsu uses her sniper mode of vision and locks on to them. "TARGET LOCKED!" she confirms.

Ferret looks to Excel "Do you think midgets and Menchi-pot-pie and Naked™ can save us now Excel?"

Excel tries thinking by sniffing a sharpie and concentrating, but that gets her nowhere fast. She looks to Ferret and, with a definitive tone in her voice, says "Not at all"

Ferret hug/tackles Excel, crying "BUT I DON'T WANNA DIE! IT'S NOT SEXSHY!"

Excel hugs back "There, there solider, we put up a okay fight…" she tells her as she pops open a couple cans of Naked™ and hand one to her "Cheer up, it's Naked™ time!"

They both cry while chugging Naked™. Ninja sticks a few plungers of DOOM™ inside Ropponmatsu's knee. "Fire!" he commands.

"Rodger!" she exclaims and she fires the plungers at Excel and Ferret, who on contact fall over when the plungers hit their head.

Ninja starts jumping up and down on Yuna's head "uh huh, oh yeah, we da' winners, we da' winners!"

Ropponmatsu closes up her knee and reaches for Inuyasha's ears again, this time though, he catches her hands and flips her over onto the table he's sitting at. "DON'T DO THAT AGAIN!" he shouts in her robo ears.

Yuna looks at Inuyasha, get up and walks away. Inuyasha leaps after her, jumping over her and turns around, and grips her shoulders. "What did I do!" he shouts at her

Yuna looks into his golden eyes, completely calm. "You insulted my family members…I told you about this last time…remember that?"

flashback

Inuyasha is jumping after Rinoa, who is trying to fly away from him

"Get back here wench!"

"Ahhh! Get away from me!"

He almost rips off her left wing but ends up being incased in stone from a break spell Yuna casted

"Just because she stole Tetsuseiga from you doesn't mean you try to HURT HER!"

End Flashback

Inuyasha thinks and slowly lies "no…"

"Yes you do, and I told you that we were going to break up if it ever happened again…I'm sorry Inuyasha but you blew it" Yuna tells him in the most polite way possible before removing the shocked dog demons hands from her shoulders and walking off to the bar and sitting down, ordering a large bottle of sake.

At the same time, in a bar two miles away on the ship…

"Chug! Chug! Chug!", Vin eggs Sasuke on as he downs his 15th mug of beer and is fairly wasted as he was already by the time he was on his 12th. Edward is bouncing around his bar stool, jumping on the tables and eventually Sasuke's head.

"You can do it dad!" Edward tells him as she sticks a daisy behind his ear for good luck.

Sasuke finally slams the mug down on the flimsy bar table empty as the crowd cheers, with a few exceptions. You can see in the corner of the tavern that Ninja, Vegeta and Dante are booing Sasuke, just because they have a grudge against him. Sasuke gets up and drunkenly stumbles over to the small group and gives them the finger. He then nearly falls out the door onto Xen and Void, almost swallowed up in his endless abyss. Xenobia looks down and gets Sasuke to his feet and helps him over to his cabin.

Xen looks to Sasuke "What happened to you? Bar fight?"

Sasuke goes spirally eyed "Uhhhhhhhh….."

"Ahhh! Don't pass out!" Xen tells him as they turn the corner, running past Force and Rinoa who happen to be coming back from a 'friendly' tennis match against Zero and Rea.

"I hate ties…" Rinoa sighs as her aunt passes her.

Force looks at her and smiles "We can break it in the morning when they're off guard from staying up all night…"

Rinoa looks up to the sky, blanketed in bright stars against its darkness. "That's true…It's taking the day forever to end…"

Vegeta runs up to Rinoa and shakes her by her shoulders. "Where's Yuna!" He shouts in her face, raging with anger.

"I don't know…" Rinoa lies threw her teeth. She really doesn't want him with her sister Yuna or with anybody in her family to be precise.

Vegeta senses she's lying so he tightens his grip on her and transforms into his SSJ2 form. He takes one of his hands off her shoulders and grabs her neck "Don't lie to me!"

Force pulls out his rapier and stabs Vegeta in the side and pulls his hands off Rinoa. "Did he hurt you?"

"I get this a lot…I'm used to it…"

"….."

"…It always happens when you're not around…" Rinoa tells him before Vegeta comes up from behind her, wraps his hands around her waist and disappears into thin air.

Force grabs his rapier off the deck and opens up his own portal and warps after them.

Vegeta and Rinoa reappear two decks above where they were and he throws her into an empty suites glass door, making her crash threw it. She falls to the carpeting, surrounded by glass shards and her own blood. He jumps into the suite, grabs her by her bleeding neck and slams her body into a wall, splattering her blood on the wall, not really visible though on the crimson wallpapering of the room.

"Tell me now bitch…" Vegeta orders Rinoa, looking into her terrified eyes.

Rinoa grimaces and looks to him in pain "You can't make me…tell you…"

Vegeta unsheathes his sword and thrusts it into her chest, twists it around and pulls it out slowly. "Don't make me kill you…" he threatens.

Rinoa winces and cries out in pure anguish "She's in the NightBird Lounge…" She then passes out from the blood loss and is still held up by Vegeta's hand.

He stares at her inanimate body and wonders of he really did kill her. The thought of it makes him go into a fury and he throws her body into the floor, casting her into a painting gallery below the suite.

Force finally comes out of the right portal and by that time, he's too late to stop what already happened. Vegeta disappeared when he stepped over the broken glass inset door. When he looks into the hole, a crowd has now gathered around Rinoa, everybody wondering what just happened. He plunges down the hole after her; he lands next to Rinoa and starts casting riselem on her. The crowd starts making assumptions, thinking Force tried to kill Rinoa and now he's using 'the power of Satan' to seal it. X.x Weird crowd, huh?

Two men step out of the crowd, both wearing black suits with sunglasses on. They both pull out silver sticks with red lights on top of them.

"If you want to know what happened, look over here!" one of the men shouts.

After the crowd turns to looks at the men, a bright light fills the gallery. Force was in the middle of casting a sacrulen spell when he was flashed with the light which caused him to lose his memory of what just happened.

Rinoa sits up, healed and looks at Force who looks like he's zoned out. She waves her hand in front of his eyes several times and he doesn't blink. She stands up and does the same thing to a few more people; none of them blink.

"What's going on?" she wonders aloud.

One of the men sees her and he says "Miss…"

Rinoa turns around "ye…" she responds before she too in wiped of her memory of the incident.

"Miss, nothing has happened out of the ordinary. Goodnight to you" he tells her.

"Goodnight….to you…too…" Rinoa says before walking back to Force and everything seems to be normal once again. No hole in the ceiling, no blood dripping from her arm…but there is still a pain in her chest.

Force looks for Rinoa in the crowd and finally finds her "What are we doing here?" he asks her.

"I don't really know…"

"Weird…."

"Very…Let's find Rea and Zero, okay?"

Rinoa nods and Force pulls out his rapier and makes an area of distorted space appear and they both jump through on there search…

Two hours later, approximately 10:50pm, almost everybody on the ship has gathered to the concert area for a very bad parody on American Idol. Excel is playing Paula (God help us), Randy is being played by Aoshi and the dreaded Simon is playing by none other then drumrollllllllll…. Zero! Yes, this band of judges will be voting on who will be the next American Idol!

Rikku the Thief is up, singing Yeah by Usher, Ludacris, and Lil Jon.

"…Conversation got heavy,

She had me feelin like she's ready to blow!

She saying come get me, come get me,

So I got up and followed her to the floor,

She said baby lets go,

When I told her I said…"

"Stop, stop…." Zero says as he holds he hand out "Very nice song but you can't sing…so sorry…"

Aoshi kicks Zero and says "Rikku, I loved your singing, great voice. You're in"

Excel was sniffing a sharpie the whole time and was completely zoned out "Ummmmm…Uhhhhhhhh….great job….Riku…I MEAN RIKKU! X.X"

Next was Rea, singing I'm Speechless by Avalon

"…When I try to speak from my heart

I don't know where to start

When it comes to you

I'm speechless

Nothing holds a candle to your love

I'm amazed by your grace

Your forgiving embrace

And I'm finding words could never be enough

I'm speechless…"

She ends up crying at the very end and she gets helped off the stage by Zero before judging her performance. He runs back to his chair to sit next to a high Excel. (You REALLY gotta feel bad for him….)

"She's the best so far! I say she's in!" Zero proudly says, trying to hide his blushing by boasting.

Excel takes out a pink sharpie, saying in a dark voice. "Don't make me do this…."She raises the sharpie into the air and hundreds of paper balls come flying at the back of Zero's head.

"EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR DATING HER! YOUR OPINION DOESN'T COUNT ON THIS ONE!" Force shouts from the balcony as the remaining judges agree.

"YEAH ZERO, BE FAIR!" Rinoa shouts at him while making another paper ball to throw at him.

Zero gets redder and redder as the comments keep coming. "SHUT UP ELF BOY AND MRS. ELF!" he shouts back at them and he puts his head down on the table to hide his bright red face.

"Well….um….I liked Rea's performance, you Excel?" Aoshi slowly says, trying not to get Zero agitated.

"Yups, very shexy, I give're two Nakeds™ up! Way up!" Excel says in a megaphone, right next to Zero's ear. She looks at him and the megaphone and him again "Oops, it's not on all the way…"

After several minutes, Zero's calmed down now and the parody goes on. The next contestant is Rinoa and she's singing My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion. (lethalSelphie: Okay, you people getting the reference? They're on a ship and she's singing a love song ON A SHIP and it was in a movie WITH A SHIP…oh, forget you people, you either A) are stupid B) have NEVER seen Titanic or C) BOTH!. I GIVE UP!)

"Every night in my dreams  
I see you, I feel you,  
That is how I know you go on…

…Love can touch us one time  
And last for a lifetime…

…You're here, there's nothing I fear,  
And I know that my heart will go on  
We'll stay forever this way  
You are safe in my heart  
And my heart will go on and on…"

Well, just as what happened in Rea's case, she also cries near the end of the song. Well, maybe everybody should stop picking emotional songs, eh? Well, this gave the judges something to talk about…

"I really liked it, she put her emotions into the song…her pitch dropped near the end though, did you hear that?" Aoshi asks his fellow family members.

Excels looks to Aoshi "Nope, you got your hearing aid in?" She looks on the side of his head to see no hearing aid. "Hey, where's your hearing aid grandpa?"

Aoshi looks Excel in the eyes "I don't wear a hearing aid….and I'm not your grandpa….I'm your brother, remember?"

Excel trys thinking and all she can think of is a certain dog, so she yells out "Menchi!" and gnaws on Aoshi's arm. He sighs "Ok, what about you Zero?"

"Yeah, I heard it…Thank god she isn't a Celine Dion or I'd have to kill her…" Zero replies with murder written on his eyes.

"So you agree she's out?"

"…."

"I'll take that as a yes…." Aoshi says before turning on the microphone "Rinoa is not in! So sorry!"

The parody never got better, everybody's singing went down hill as the 'tryouts' progressed. Eventually, the audience almost fell asleep of boredom so they called it a night.

"Come on, give me a hint!" Rinoa begs Force on the way to their suite.

He pulls out the keycard "Don't think so…"

"Pleeeeeeease! I'll forget over night, I promise!"

Force slips the card into the slot in the door "Well….." he starts before getting cut off by the computerized voice. "Welcome to your suite, please enjoy your stay" He walks into the suite and looks around "Very nice…"

Rinoa walks in after him and stands in front of him and looks him in the eye "Stop getting off the topic, what did you get me for Valentine's Day?"

"Something I know you'll like…I'm not saying anymore…" he grins and walks around the breakfast table.

Rinoa sighs "There's no getting threw you…Say, do you have a silver magic spell that allows the user to get into the targets mind?"

"There might be…if you're a good girl, I might teach it to you"

Rinoa shakes her head and lies on the sofa "As long as I have you, I don't need anything else…"

Force sits on the other side of the sofa and looks at her "So you're saying I shouldn't give it to you after all?"

She sits up and smiles "I'm not saying that…"

A flash of light illuminates the room from the large window across from them, making it appear that they are glowing for the moment. Then a large clap of thunder is the only sound heard beside the ocean smashing against the side of the vessel. Rinoa lunges at Force and embraces him tightly.

"I hate the thunder" she whispers to him.

Force holds her close. "The storm will blow over soon…I'm sure it won't last long…"

She nods when the room grows bright again "Maybe if we go to bed it will go away faster?" she queries as she lifts her head to looks at Force's face. "Aren't you tired?"

"Yeah…it has been a long day, huh?" Force agrees. He gets up off the couch and picks Rinoa up. "The lady shouldn't walk…"

She giggles as he walks with her in his arms to the bedroom and he sets her down on the bed. "You're a true gentleman…"

He lies down next to her "…And those nowadays are hard to come by…" he finishes her sentence as the main room flickers once again, followed by another loud boom. Rinoa clings to him "Please don't go anywhere…"

Force hugs her back "I'm not leaving this ship without you…"

Rinoa kisses him on the lips and he passionately kisses her back. They both fall asleep in each others arms.

Around 11:40, a certain shadow named Gaites paid the sleeping couple a visit. When he appeared, the room turned frigid and Rinoa started to shiver as she always does when Gaites is in her presence. He smiles, being so happy he can make her frightened. He walks over to her and puts his hand on her forehead and at once is enveloped in her emotions and desires.

"Sickening…" he says while letting go of her. "Love is one of the most detestable things in the world…How can anybody submit to it?"

He stares at Rinoa. "My master…He'll need you soon…Don't be dying now…" he sends to her mind as he fades away, into the darkness, taking the bitter air with him.

"Well….you know tomorrow is Valentine's Day, right?" Rea slowly says cuddling up to Zero on the loveseat.

"Yes….what are you getting at Rea?" Zero asks, full of suspicion.

"Why don't we give each other our presents right now? It's like ten minutes to midnight anyway!"

"Okay…you first" he says as he watches her crawl over to her bag and pull out something long, wrapped in red wrapping paper with a dark red bow in the middle.

"It's something I know you'll like…Rinoa helped me pick it out…" Rea tells Zero and smiles as he rips the paper and ribbon off to reveal an orange lightblade with a pale yellow handle.

"Very nice…what's the name and what does it do?"

"It's based on the theory that the Mind, Heart, Body and Soul can't be without each other in all life forms. There are four blades, each being able to control one of the four parts of life. You could even fuse the swords together to make one of the most powerful swords of all time. You have MindBreak, its like Mariks ability to erase memories from people only you don't know what memories you're erasing. There's a spell to counter this effect and it brings back the memories to whoever you were fighting."

"Awesome!"

"You wanna try it out?"

"On who? I can't break into Force's room in the middle of the night."

Rea stands up "On me, I don't mind…"

Zero nods and gets up too. He backs up a few feet and points it at Rea. "You sure about this?"

Rea nods "Positive"

After the confirmation, he rushes at her and slashes at her chest. He goes a little bit deeper then he intended and catches her body before she hits the ground. He heals her with a cure spell "Are you alright Rea?"

Rea slaps Zero across the face and inches away from him "Who the Hell are you? And how do you know my name?"

The lightening brightens the room, making them glow white for a moment before turning normal again.

He recovers and grasps her wrist "Don't you remember me? I'm Zero, your boyfriend."

Rea, trys to get away from him. "Stay away from me, you weirdo! I don't have a boyfriend!"

Zero reads the incantation on the piece of paper around the hilt "Nalujin dro sasuneac"

Rea looks around and finally to Zero "What happened Zero? Did it work?"

He nods and helps her over to the loveseat. "It worked alright…a little too well…"

Rea kisses Zero "Glad I could help…" she tells him before casting a sleep spell on them.

Zero kisses back and Rea falls on top of him, asleep, forcing him to lie on the couch with her on top of him. He kisses her again before falling asleep himself. "Goodnight Rea…"

Cid looks out to the storm in disarray. "What the Hell are we going to do? That hurricane is going to get to us soon, half hour, tops."

The moogles that happen to be the ships crew look to each other. "Kukukupokupokupopopoppppoooookuoooopooookupo!" they yell at their captain. (translated) "We got to get out of here, NOW, before it turns us over!"

"All we have are these damn lifeboats!"

"Kuukupokupo, KUPOKUPOKUUUUUU!" (translated) "We use what we have, GET THEM OFF NOW BEFORE THEY ALL DIE!"

Cid gets on the PA "Attention passengers! A severe category 4 hurricane is coming this way! Get to the main deck if you plan on living!"

One of the moogles walks over to Cid and kicks him in the leg "Kupokupokupppoookukukukppppooo!" (translated) "You asshole, everybody's sleeping on here except us!"

Cid sweatdrops "Then we should just wait on this ship and hope we don't die? It would take forever to wake everybody up…"

The moogles nod and look out to sea at the hurricane and think (we're dead.)

(lethalSelphie: mwhahahahahahah! I'm stopping here because I'm tired of typing! What will happen to the characters….dun dun DUN!)


	5. Is It Morning Yet?

OK, sorry this took so long but my computer had issues. Oh yeah, and I don't own any of the following: Excel Saga, the characters ('cept Rinoa), the various uses of movies and clichés, ect.. NOW, ON WITH THE SHOW!

Chapter 5: Is It Morning Yet?

Kikyo floats high above her bed, nearly touching the ceiling with the tip of her nose, singing "I've become so numb, I can't feel you there…"

She lowers herself a couple inches, rolls over in midair and opens her bloodshot eyes. She stares at the boombox across the room and rolls her eyes to the back of her head. Using her eyes as a remote, she turns the volume dial to maximum in the pitch blackness of the room.

Med throws off the covers and grabs some ear plugs off her nightstand. She lays back down, plugs in ears and trys to go back to sleep.

Fox joins in on the singing after rolling over herself. "I'm becoming this, All I want to do, Is be more like me, And be less like you!"

Med feels around the nightstand for the remote and eventually finds it. She points it in the direction of the music and presses mute. Fox and Kikyo still sing, even though the music is off. "Shut up you guys! Don't you ever sleep!" she yells over their voices, pulling out her ear plugs so she can hear them answer.

Fox pulls out her staff and creates a dark ball of fire in the center of the room. She looks to Kikyo. They both nod, look to Med, and say in unison "No and no"

"Can't you sing in the morning? I'm sure other people on this boat would rather sleep then listen to you two sing…"

That was a fatal mistake Med made of adding that last sentence. Fox put down her staff, stood up and jumped over to Med. She couched down next to Med and told her "I smell death on you…"

And the mistakes keep coming. "Why thanks Fox, that means a lot to me…" Med tells her while digging out a death spell under her bed. She flicks the spell at the mage but, since Fox has the reflect bangle on, it is reflected back to Med, killing herself instead.

Fox stands up and kicks Meds lifeless body lightly. "I'll revive her later…She's good and dead….How 'bout some bloody marshmallows, Kikyo?" she asks, hopping to the carpeting and walking threw the dark red flame.

Kikyo descends and floats over to her duffel and pulls out a couple goblets, a bag of marshmallows and a few flasks of AB+ blood. Fox moves the great ball of fire over to the corner of the room so they have room to snack. She also snatches the remote from Med and blasts the music to kingdom come.

As the two girls sing their hearts out and take part in a midnight snack, music blares all over the immense vessel, drowning out Cid's warnings.

Key rounds the corner, humming one of his many songs. He finds Ill Palazzo and Excel's cabin and opens the door, shouting "Hey Ill Palazzo!" loud enough that he can hear himself over his headphones.

Ill Palazzo shoves his head under his pillow and pretends to be asleep. (Damn narcissistic bastard! What the Hell does he want now!)

Key walks over and shuts off Ill Palazzo's 58" plasma hanging on the wall so he has his attention. "Have you seen Excel lately? She stole my Baby and…"

He's cut off by Ill Palazzo's sudden jump out of bed, his face painted with a look of horror. "Your...ba-ba-…baby!"

Key tilts his head to the side, looking back at him in an equally odd way. "Ya know, my Buttercup, my Darlin', Snookums…"

"YOU NEVER HAD KIDS!...did you?" Illpalazzo yells at him, about to kill the rocker if he has to.

"I'm not talking about some kiddo. I'm talking about the instrument the muse of Heaven gave to me…" Key says as he goes all misty eyed, in a freaky shojo style "She was the most beautiful muse I ever saw in my life…"

Illpalazzo kicks him out of his small room "Get out! I haven't seen Excel or your damn guitar! Let me sleep!" he tells him before he slams the door shut and walks back to bed.

"Then again….where IS Excel….Hyatt's not here either…hope they didn't do anything stupid…" Illpalazzo wonders but before he can do another thing, he is fast asleep.

"Mambo, Mambo, Mambo, Everybody MAMBO!" Excel screams on the top of her lungs while hitting Ninja, who is trying to drink a beer like a normal person for a change, on the head with Key's electric guitar. "HAVE FUN DAMNIT!"

"I AM having fun…I'm playing a drinking game to Excel Saga…You died again Ex." He says while popping open another beer, which he chugs down.

Excel tilts her head to the side and picks up the Nazi Crab and dances to a jig that happens to be playing. She accidentally steps on Crab and kills it.

"PEDRO, 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!'" She shouts at the top of her lungs.

Hyatt looks at Crab then to her senior. "Maybe Senior can go ask a person that can heal to revive your Crab?"

Excel pokes Watanabe's body "Is HE dead too?"

Hyatt shakes her head "Watanabe-kun just had too many adult beverages."

Excel picks up Crab off the hardwood floor, sets a liter bottle of Naked™ in Hyatt's hands and runs off, yelling "Hy-Chan! Guard that with your life!"

She salutes Excel before collapsing on the ground, dead.

(lethalSelphie: Hyatt dies too much…)

(Excel: You gotta problem with that, miss writer person!)

(lethalSelphie: Nope, just stating the obvious…I'm bored…YOU gotta problem with that?)

(Excel: Yup)

(As this cat-fight takes place backstage, the story continues…)

Excel runs to the lobby where she figures all in information is at.

"Yo person!" some hippy playing the acoustic says to Excel, waving a peace sign at her.

Excel continues running (Mental note: When ACROSS takes over this world, remember to get hippies better health care…if there are any left then…)

She runs across an information booth run by a robot version of Hyatt. "Hy-Chan?" she asks the robot.

"My name is Hyatt X-Tron 42. What would you like me to help you with…coughcoughcoughtonight?" the robot asks Excel, spewing oil all over her.

Excel shakes the slimy stuff off her and thinks (Even in robot form, she STILL has health problems…better health care for robots too…) "Uh...can you get me Rinoa's room number?"

Robo Hyatt closes her eyes and goes threw her data base. With her eyes still closed, she says "What is her last name?"

(Oh Shit,) Excel thinks (I don't remember her last name! Think Excel! Think!) She puts her hands up to her head and sits cross-legged on the ground and thinks while the robot asks for Rinoa's last name again.

"Oh yeah, her last name's Angelilly! Rinoa Angelilly!" Excel says in a matter of seconds.

"Thank you. She is in Suite #6 with her boyfriend Sylfaenas Angelforce. They are both inside their suite at this moment but no movement has been detected since 12:09am tonight. Anything else?"

Excel had ran off when she heard the number and was on her way until she crossed paths with Vegeta at Suite #6's door.

"DAMNIT RINOA! THERE IS NO NIGHTBIRD LOUNGE ON THIS SHIP!" He shouts at the top of his lungs and transforms into his Super Saiyin 4 form once more. He looks like he's ready to break down the door with just his brute strength.

Excel runs over to him and whispers in his ear "You do know you got the wrong room AND floor, right?"

"This is the one robo Momoji told me was hers."

"Robo Momoji is broken, only robo Hyatt is working now."

Vegeta glares at Excel before running off to the lobby to re-check his information.

Excel sighs "Boy, he's a stupid whoremonger"

Excel, unable to pick locks or doing anything that counts under the thievery/stealth class, kicks at the door with Excel Kick, but it doesn't budge. She takes out her key card and slides it in the panel next to the door and it opens. "Gay thing…Doors should kick down when they are told to…" she says over the computerized voice.

She looks around the dark room and shouts "Rinoa! You up? Revive my Crab!" She attempts to sneak around in the dark but she trips over a box and flies into the bed, falling to the floor with a bump on her head. Rubbing the bump, she stands up, still yelling "Get up Rinoa!" ect.. When she sees her sleeping in bed with Force, not realizing they still have on their evening attire, she covers her eyes with her hands and slowly backs out of the open room "Err…sorry to...err…disturb you sis….err…will you still revive my…Nazi Crab…please?" she asks, sweatdrops covering her face.

Excel falls over again, away from the bedroom this time, but she didn't fall from her own clumsiness. The waves crashing against the ship are getting harder and rougher as the storm continues, getting closer to the ship as it gets stronger. Deep in one of the eyes of the hurricanes, The Oni, in Pyro's body, is controlling this storm along with several others that are slowly surrounding the ship. He decides to hurl one into the starboard side and it crushes the glass windows into many shards. Gaites appears next to his master and bows. "The Elf and the girl are on board master. What are your intentions?"

"I'm just having a little fun…If they survive, then they are worth my time. If they parish, it's one less thing for me to do when I destroy this miserable planet, once and for all…"

"What about your sister master? What if Lumina imposes again?"

"I'll just imprison her in another galaxy and if she does break free, it will be too late. When she finds out, she might hate me, but that won't last an eternity, right?"

"Siblings can be bothersome…she'll come around."

"Anything else Gaites?" The Oni asks before slamming two monsoons into the port side of the vessel below, his smirk growing larger as he does more damage to his 'toy'.

"Well, umm…I was wondering, Master…Why do I have to watch over the Elf and the girl while you have all the fun?"

The Oni turns his head and glares at Gaites "You are to do as you are told…Do not question you duties Gaites…Something bad could happen to a certain demoiselle, if you get my drift…"

Gaites bows before he fades "Never again will I question your will, Master…" he tells him quietly. He reappears in another monsoon, to watch the fun as it unravels.

As the storm grew stronger and proved more of a threat with each growing second, many of the passengers on board St. Valentine grew aware of the danger…but by then, it was too late. The Oni hovered high in the dark sky, his laughter echoing into the darkness when a sudden flash of light brings forth a bolt of lightening, striking at the bow of the ship. Several people started to scream or shout "Help us! Somebody, save us!" but nobody was going to answer their cries 170 miles away from F-City, F-Providence's port, which was on the edge of the large town.

When the two vortexes slammed into the portside of the cruise ship, it shattered every glass window on that side as they hammered into them. The groups of people standing on the starboard side were thrown into the sea; everybody else flew into the wall or furniture to the right of them.

Zero and Rea fly off the couch into the metal framework of the windows, the sharp glass shards cutting up their arms and legs before they take the plunge into the Sea of Japan, followed by anything not nailed to the floor. One suite over, Excel is thrown overboard as well, but not before getting a large gash on the right of her head from who knows what. Rinoa and Force had rolled off their bed into one of the few windows not broken by the storm but the monsoon holding The Oni soon changes that, for it slammed against the starboard side, shattering the remaining intact windows, including the one Rinoa and Force were pressed into. Before they had the chance to wake up, to realize what was happening, they too, fell into the icy cold water.

Kitty was preoccupied chasing after Void, especially when she found out that he was engaged to Xen. She actually stole a butcher knife from one of the many kitchens on the liner and when she over heard him propose…well, you can kind of guess what happened…As is, she took a clean slice at his back before he got the chance to run the Hell away from her. The two fell overboard when the two storms collided with the ship and, as she fell, Kitty dropped the implement and it the water 5 feet away from both her and Void.

Yet again, the two Rikku's were thieving again, this time on Misaki's group. Of course, they weren't faster then the storm as it came crashing down on the deck, washing them into the ocean. In fact, every single passenger and crew member had fallen into the ocean in the middle of horrid weather! Now, what are the odds of that?

(lethalSelphie: Uhhhhhhhh….one in 8,598,488,723,829 billion?)

(Angelforce walks in with Zero)

(Angelforce: One in 9,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999 billion.)

(Zero: -stabs Force in the side with his new light sword- No you dumbass, one in 99,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999 billion!)

(Angelforce: -doesn't even flinch-….you just stuck another 9 in front of it…you thief…)

(lethalSelphie: -hits them both in the head with a mallet REALLY REALLY HARD!- It's MY fic and I say it's 8,598,488,723,829 billion!)

(-Both of the boys get a bump on their heads and they turn to Selphie with fire burning in their eyes.- WE'RE BICKERING, CAN YOU SEE THAT?)

(lethalSelphie: -crawls back in her hole- Sor- ry! Jeez! -Goes back to typing-)

The Oni's fun started to dim when all of the passengers had littered the oceans with themselves and their belongings. All that was left to do now was to destroy the only mode of transportation available to them for many miles. He has bolts of lightening hit the ship, making it catch fire. Only bad thing for The Oni is that Pyro is fighting for his body back. The Oni tries to fight him back, but in the end, Pyro wins. "Damn you Majin…" are The Oni's final words before Pyro reclaims his body and mind for himself once more.

He was reaped of his seemingly boundless energy when The Oni was in control of him, so he has a hard time staying afloat in the air. He spots his wife a few feet away but ends up falling into the water, for almost all of his energy is gone. With The Oni out of his body and mind, the storms disperse around him, revealing a dark blanket of bright stars in the sky, kept in place by a silvery moon.

The sky and the burning ship are the only things keeping this part of the ocean lit. Pyro swims over to his Fox and grasps her hand, which seemed so cold to him. He pulls her into a tight embrace, trying to give her some of his body heat. She looks up to Pyro, her eyes blurred, barely recognizing him.

"What a…great Valentine's…day, huh?" she barely makes out, her teeth chattering from the cold water.

He kisses her and looks into her eyes "Happy Valentines Day, love…" he whispers before blacking out and falling face forward into the water.


End file.
